Jolly's Inbox

A repository of all the funny and or just plain wierd stuff that turns up in my inbox.

JollyFatMan

Name:

All you need to know is my damn opinion. A dude. What's to know anyway?

Friday, December 23, 2005

THE LAW IS THE LAW

So if the US government determines that it is against the law for the words “Under God" to be on our money, then, so be it.

And if that same government decides that the "Ten Commandments" are not to be used in or on a government installation, then, so be it.

And since they already have prohibited any prayer in the schools, on which theydeem their authority, then so be it.

I say, "So be it," because I would like to be a law abiding US citizen.

I say, "So be it," because I would like to think that smarter peoplethan I are in positions to make good decisions.

I would like to think that those people have the American Publics’ best interests at heart.

BUT, YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE I'D LIKE?

Since we can't pray to God, can't Trust in God and cannot Post His Commandments in Government buildings,
I don't believe the Government and it's employees should participate in the Easter and Christmas celebrations which honor the God that our government is eliminating from many facets of American life.

I'd like my mail delivered on Christmas, Good Friday, and Thanksgiving and Easter. After all, it's just another day.

I'd like the US Supreme Court to be in session on Christmas, Good Friday, Thanksgiving and Easter as well as Sundays. After all, it's just another day.

I'd like the Senate and the House of Representatives to not have to worry about getting home for the "Christmas Break." After all it's just another day.

I'm thinking that a lot of my taxpayer dollars could be saved, if all government offices and services would work on Christmas, Good Friday and Easter.

It shouldn't cost any overtime since those would be just like any other day of the week to a government that is trying to be "politically correct."

In fact....

I think that our government should work on Sundays (initially set aside for worshipping God...) because, after all, our government says that it should be just another day....

What do you all think????

If this idea gets to enough people, maybe our elected officials will stop giving in to the minority opinions and begin, once again, to represent the ‘majority' of ALL of the American people.

SO BE IT...

Please Dear Lord,

Give us the help needed to keep you in our country!

'Amen' and 'Amen'

Touche!

These are definitely things I never thought about but from now on, I will be sure to questions those, in government, who support these changes.

"I hope this makes its way around the USA several times over!!!!!"

Let's see that it does. Keep it in your mailbox and resend it whenever someone new comes along.


Thx to Charlie da Animal

JFM

What to do with the extra Christmas card...

Mine's going out in the A.M.!!!


THIS IS THE BEST IDEA THAT I HAVE HEARD IN A LONG TIME...FORWARD THIS TO ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS....WE ALL HAVE A LEFTOVER CARD OR TWO AND IT ONLY COSTS 37 CENTS. IT'S WORTH IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wanna have some fun this CHRISTMAS?


Send the ACLU a CHRISTMAS CARD!


As they are working so very hard to get rid of the CHRISTMAS part of this holiday, we should all send them a nice, CHRISTIAN, card to brighten up their dark, sad, little world.

Make sure it says "Merry Christmas" on it.

Here's the Address, just don't be rude or crude.
(It's Not the Christian Way ya know?)

ACLU
125 Broad Street
18th Floor
New York, NY 10004

Thx to Charlie da Animal!

JFM

P.S. Personally I'd dip the card in glue, roll it in broken glass, and after it dries send it out with a nice suggestion on where the ACLU can put their nice Christmas card.

Diesel Fitter

Manuel and Pedro worked together and both were laid off, so they went to the Unemployment Office.
When asked his occupation, Manuel answered, "Panty stitcher. I sew da elastic onto ladies' cotton panties." The clerk looked up Panty Stitcher. Finding it classified as 'unskilled" labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.

Pedro was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter." He replied. Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Pedro $600 a week. When Manuel found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and coworker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained, "Panty stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labor". "What skill?" yelled Manuel. "I sew da elastic on da panties, Pedro puts dem over his head and says, "Yeah, diesel fitter."


Thx to Charlie da Animal!

JFM

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Iowahawk on the Best Movies for 2006

I clicked a link to Iowahwak today just to see the latest bit of comic genius from the "man wid da St Bernard Pipe", and he had lots to say about the Upcoming Movies for 2006.

Check it out!

JFM

Merry Christmas and Thanks for all the Concerns!

Merry Christmas, Happy
Hannanka and Happy New Year


To All My Online Friends:

As the holidays approach, my heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes because I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.

Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from nor send packages by UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time)

I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (CDT) this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next-door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

Thx to Aunt Marge!

JFM

Friday, December 16, 2005

Final Answer ????

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we
are in bed.

I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No." She answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

"Yes." She replied.

Then I said, " I'd like to phone a friend."

That's the last thing I remember -----

Do'ah!

Culled from an E-newsletter.

JFM

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

The Extinction of Christmas?! Oh My!

(This is one that is worth sending along to everyone on your list!!)

I'm on a "Merry Christmas" mission and I'm in full throttle. My little
yellow VW Beetle has turned into a Christmas billboard with Merry
Christmas written across the back window. Yes, I've decided to trek off
to work everyday on the public highways with a message that seems to
offend people.
At stop lights, I even turn my music up a little louder, and to top it
off, I sing along with it. Don't I know that stopping at a red light to
roll my windows down only to share the joy of Christmas carols on public
streets is a No-No? Don't I fear the Christmas Gestapo and those who
would have me remove the written message from my car? I'm sorry folks,
but the only person I'm concerned about "offending" during this
Christmas season is the Lord himself. LEAVE THAT MANGER ALONE! We've
allowed the Baby Jesus to be kicked out of His lowly manger, and those
offended by Christmas are still not happy. I refuse to let this happen.
I'm going to do my part to make sure "Merry Christmas" doesn't become
extinct. Because like it or not, if the believers in Christmas don't
take a stand now, it's gone forever. Listen folks, the Christian
community has been underestimated before; we will have to show ourselves
again.
I walked into a Wendy's Restaurant the other day and was rather
exuberant with my "Merry Christmas" greeting to the manager. He didn't
have much of a response and I said, "Where's your Christmas spirit?" He
said, "We're not allowed to use the words "Merry Christmas" when
greeting customers. We can only say "Happy Holiday." This morning I
grabbed a quick breakfast at a Whataburger Restaurant. I noticed there
wasn't a single decoration in the store. I asked the manager why they
weren't decorated for Christmas. He told me the corporate headquarters
decided not to send any decorations to any of their stores, and he
didn't know why.
After I heard about all the Macy's and Federated Stores taking down
their Merry Christmas signs, the Target stores not allowing the
Salvation Army to "Ring the Christmas bells," and the many incidents of
children, choirs, and bands not allowed to play or sing Christmas
carols, I realized it was happening right here in my own little Texas
town.
How can this be? Not Texas!
We do, however, have a store, Hobby Lobby, that plays nothing but
Christmas carols during the season. On Christmas Day they run a full
page ad in our local newspaper. That ad is not to promote the store, but
uses the entire page to tell the story of Jesus' birth. Now that's
taking a stand. We need to thank them.
When I saw a news report the other evening of children being taught new
words to a song we've sung for years - "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" -
I was saddened to hear "We Wish You a Splendid Holiday." I know now that
it's just a matter of time that the "Merry Christmas" greetings will be
gone. Look around your town. Notice the "Holiday" greetings and not
"Christmas." It's happening right before our very eyes. Start singing
the songs; go down the streets of America singing to your heart's
content. Get some of those wash-off markers that these kids use to write
on their car windows when they're rooting for their hometown football
team. It's easy to do, and if a torrential rain washes it off, write it
on there again.
We've got to get this message out. "Go Tell It On the Mountain . . .
that Jesus Christ is Born." Sing it, speak it, be a billboard for our
Lord.
The story of this "Baby Jesus" alone has brought about more goodwill at
this time of year than any other day we celebrate. How can we sit back
and allow Him to be snuffed out of our lives? Is it Jesus, or is it His
followers that the "offended" don't like? What kind of revulsion
galvanizes one to campaign so vehemently against the mere mention of His
name, the mere singing of a carol, or the mere visual of a sign that
says "Merry Christmas?" I can listen to my own boss at work use some of
the vilest words and follow up with, "Excuse my French." I may cringe
inside at his damning of God's name, but I tolerate it. So if you don't
like me wishing you a "Merry Christmas," I'll say, "Excuse my joy." You
may cringe that I celebrate the birth of Jesus, but just tolerate it. I
cannot be concerned that "Merry Christmas" offends you. If I'm not
careful, the day will come when saying I'm a Christian will offend you.
I'm offended that you're offended. How about that? When we get to a
point that we can no longer take part in a tradition we hold dear, we
have no choice; we either defend that tradition or we give it up to
those who say NO. That's it . . period. So, which will it be? I'm not
giving up my "Merry Christmas" joy to anyone. If I know of someone that
celebrates another holiday during this time of year, I will be glad to
wish them whatever holiday they want. Just tell me what it is and I'll
shout it to the world and wish you a grand celebration. Just give me
Christmas. To you merchants: Stop being so hypocritical and "filling
your tills" on the back of Jesus! Who do you think is the symbol of
giving at this time of year? It was the wise men bringing gifts to the
newborn Christ-child.
You want your coffers full, but have ordered your employees to take down
all the Merry Christmas signs. If that's the case, I'll buy gifts at a
place that understands my joy.
If you're worried about offending someone, you just did. The most recent
Newsweek survey shows that 82% of Americans believe that Jesus is the
Son of God. So, in trying not to offend a few, you've offended many.
It's okay to jump into the "Merry Christmas" spirit when it fills your
cash register, but let's call it something else . . . and don't stop
giving . . . and don't stop buying. . we'll just change the name and
you'll never know the difference.
I know the difference and I'm feeling it greatly. It's hard not to be
aware that townships across our country have actually banned the singing
of Christmas carols because it might offend someone. And it's not just
the religious songs; it's the secular ones too. No more "Jingle Bells"
or "Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer" because they're associated with
Christmas. Boy, aren't we getting sensitive? If we're not celebrating
Christmas for the hope it gives with the birth of our Savior . . . there
is no hope!
I noticed a few years ago that we changed the name of Abraham Lincoln's
and George Washington's birthday so as to be all inclusive regarding the
Presidents. Hark, if we should recognize anyone as exceptional. Now it's
called Presidents' Day.
Well, if we're going to be so all inclusive, next month I'll have to
refer to Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day as Civil Rights Leaders' Day.
We don't want to exclude great Americans like Rosa Parks or Cesar
Chavez, do we? And to think that Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton might be
left out.
We might need to change Mother's Day, Father's Day, and Grandparents'
Day to All Parents' Day. Just lump them all together. It sounds
ridiculous, doesn't it? So what's the difference? My freedom to
celebrate Christmas in the tradition of the Christian religion is as
much my right as it is your right to be offended by it. So what are we
going to do? Did anyone hear me . . . what are we going to do? Do we
defend a person's right to go forward with a time tested tradition (how
about 2000 years?), or do we defend a person's right to end it all
because they're offended? As long as we live in this great land and have
the freedom to express ourselves and what we believe in, we will always
offend someone.
If we try to make everything right for everyone, we won't have anything
for anyone.
May you always have Christmas in your heart!

By Debbie Daniel

My two Cents

If you want to be a Godless bastard that is your right. It is not your right to demand I stop calling it Christmas. You may be offended by me saying Merry Christmas and that is just fine by me, so be prepared for a major offending whan I come around.

Merry Christmas!

JFM

Monday, December 12, 2005

16 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN

16 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN:

by Dave Barry, Nationally Syndicated Columnist

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person who is nice to you but rude to a waiter is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
16. Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Thx to Charlie da Animal!

JFM

Saturday, December 10, 2005

Ships of the Desert?

Why are Camels called the 'Ships of the Desert'?


Because they're full of Arab Seamen!

Do'oah!

Thx to Dix, ya sicko!

JFM

Friday, December 09, 2005

Sno Cones

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

The thing is supposed to be animated, but you get the idea nicely all the same.

Thx to Charlie da Animal!

JFM